In the meanwhile…
I am happily married – I settled down in 2009 – living an unsettled/settled life. Settled in that I nest in our apartment, not feeling the need to go out all the time anymore. Unsettled in that as a touring musician, I’m moving around to different communities a lot.
But there’s a deep feeling of unsettled-ness within me. I’m coming out–not that it’s been a secret, but as much of my life is public domain as an artist and educator, NOT blasting something is almost like concealing it.
I can’t seem to get pregnant and have a baby.
There, it’s out.
I have been struggling with my partner for over 3 1/2 years – trying all kinds of fertility treatments. With 4 ivfs, 4 iui’s, 2 clomid rounds, 2 pregnancies – 2 miscarriages, 2 D and C’s and over $35,000 spent of my and others money, I’m at my financial and emotional end.
I’m starting to feel desperate.
(Not to be corny but the annoying song by Extreme “hole-hearted“ keeps playing in my mind. “There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you”.)
And it’s really getting me down. It never once bothered me working with families with young children and just lately within the last month I find I sometimes have sad moments in that space.
Part if the unsettled-ness is knowing something in my life is missing. Part of it is not knowing when the end of this story will land. Part is from having to ask friends who have financial means if they would donate precious dollars to help me in my next phase – egg donation – an even pricier possibility with just as much risk. It’s tougher than I ever imagined having to be the one asking and not giving. Deeply tough to swallow.
As an artist/songwriter, I KNOW I should be writing about this but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it: I’m afraid actually to go there.
(I did start one song but had a major block as if my unsettled heart won’t allow me to.)
And so I live life “in the meanwhile” (as Stephen Sondheim writes in “The Miller’s Son). I try and acknowledge that there can be a settled feeling within all of the unsettled moments.
In the meanwhile there are human connections to be made.
In the meanwhile there are smiles to mirror.
In the meanwhile there is life to live and love to give.
In the meanwhile…